So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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