Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
