There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
