Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
