I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
