ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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