You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
