i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
