I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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