I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
