my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
