Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
