Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
