Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Houston, we have a blender
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
