It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
