i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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