4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he was CRYING into my vagina
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
