i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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