if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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