It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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