I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
