The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
