If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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