I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Vodka?
Forever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
