I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My vagina is very pro this idea
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