i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
