It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
worst night to have a conscience
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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