New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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