there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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