bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
