So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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