I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
