Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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