You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
