also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
