My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
