you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
