I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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