I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
