I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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