Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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