I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
