I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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