I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
