Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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