all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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