ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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