Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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