New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
