I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
