just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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