its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm too high and old for this...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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