2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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