Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
