based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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